Finding Inner Peace
When I was in my active addiction, my brain thought of nothing more than getting my hands on drugs. I needed and wanted to be numb to the reality of what had become of my life. I figured as long as I kept using, I would never have to deal with the mess I had made.
I was tormented every minute of the day and if I by chance a moment of clarity would appear, I would become paralyzed with shame, unwilling or unable to acknowledge the help I desperately needed.
Inner peace was not obtainable, or even considered during those days.
If I only knew then, what I know now.
If I only knew that I would be strong enough to clean up all the messes my addiction had created in my life, maybe I wouldn’t have given so many years to the disease that took everything from me.
But addiction doesn’t allow any flicker of hope to come through when it is in control. There are no cracks in the grave you are buried in, nothing to see or hear outside of the sound of screaming demon in your head demanding MORE. Always MORE.
Entering recovery, the sound of the screaming demon’s voice gets a little less loud and traces of light start to appear. A spark of hope. When that spark becomes visible, you nurture and protect it until the darkness is gone and the hostile, demanding voices have turned soft and kind. And when your mind is finally quieted, you are ready to look deep inside of yourself.
As more time is committed to a life of sobriety, the more you get to know, accept and love yourself….ALL of yourself. That steadfast commitment to self-love, the good, the bad and the ugly reveals the path to true inner peace.
True inner peace is a gift that only you can give to yourself, and only you can give it back.
I pray that you will find your inner peace and share your gift with others.
Faith vs. Fear
I used to live in constant fear. When I was in my active addiction, I feared I would end up in jail. I feared I would lose custody of my son. I feared the inevitable sickness that would take over my body once detox started. But mostly, I feared that my secret would be exposed, and I would be forced to get the help I desperately needed.
I never had faith in God that he would see me through.
When I started living a life in recovery, my fears were even more pronounced, having to face life without anything to numb my feelings and worries.
I feared I wasn’t going to be a functional mom to my young son. I feared that I would not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would never be good enough for a healthy relationship. I feared I was not worthy of anything positive.
When faced with my son not surviving a life-threatening diagnosis, my fear nearly crippled me. I knew then, it was time to stomp out my fear and lean into my faith.
Through my years in recovery, I had repeated the phrases I heard from so many before me such as “Let go and let God” and truly believed I was following the instruction, but when faced with the trauma of my son’s diagnosis, I quickly realized I was far from letting it go. My fear was in full force and my faith was nowhere to be found.
When I finally, TRULY, surrendered to God and leaned into Him, I found a freedom like I never knew was possible. A freedom from fear.
I have also learned that what I put my energy into is what will be, and I would much rather feel the beauty of faith, rather than the shackles of fear.
We cannot live in fear and faith at the same time. We must choose. I choose faith. I pray you do too.