When I was deeply entrenched in my addiction, I remember thinking to myself “there is no way I can or would even want to go through life without my pills”. I would go to extremes to protect my addiction, which included consistently lying to everyone around me. I knew, beyond a doubt, that once I admitted to being an addict, I would have to do something about it, and I absolutely did NOT want to do anything about it. In my drug fueled mind, I was a better mom to my young son. I had more energy to play, cook, teach, and nurture a three-year-old when I was high on stimulants like Adderall and Vicodin.
I did, however, know that eventually I would run out of resources and ways to get my pills, so I looked at it like this: Either I am going to die from an overdose, get arrested and go to jail, or go to rehab. None of those were acceptable to me, but going to rehab was absolutely the worst option of all three. Yes, you read that correctly. I would rather die or go to jail (at which time I would kill myself), than go to a rehab where I would learn to live a drug free life.
THAT is the power of addiction. The devil is literally running the show and wants the worse outcome for you. I was convinced that there is no way out but death, and I welcomed that over living a clean and sober life. I was terrified that I would not be emotionally equipped to handle the pain that life would inevitably bring to me.
When I ran out of lies to tell, and I could no longer protect the demon calling the shots, I surrendered. I was out of drugs, out of a job, out of money and out of options, so I did what I never had done before. I asked for help, and into rehab I went.
The devil made me pay for my choice. Going through detox was the most agonizing physical experience of my life. I was sicker than I had ever been for weeks. I knew that all I needed to do to stop the agony was to pop that One. Little. Pill. The sweet rush of euphoria would take over and the symptoms would subside. But what I learned that very day, at that exact moment, was that God’s love is more powerful than I ever imagined. I just needed to push through and know that every hour the drugs were out of me was another hour closer to me feeling better. Slowly but surely, the fog cleared and for the first time in years, I felt the light in my spirit. It was just a flicker at first, but with every day it became more abundant.
The darkness was gone, but never to be forgotten.
You see, the devil is always lurking, waiting for you to return to him. However, his power doesn’t hold a candle to God’s love for you. Keep close to God and you will be safe. Talk to your Higher Power regularly. Pray. You WILL be protected.