I have never liked change. I have often stayed at a job or in a relationship far past its expiration date, for fear of what life on the other side looked like. I always had a very difficult time trusting my decisions. What if I leave this job, this town, this relationship, (fill in the blank) and the next one is just as bad, or worse? The fear of the unknown would often cause me to stay.
I am a creature of comfort and thrive on having structure in my life. I want to know what I will be doing tomorrow and the next day and the next. No surprises or sudden movements please.
So, when I left the job I had for 17 years to venture to a new company everyone was surprised, but none more than me. I was anxious beyond measure, needing lots of encouragement from those close to me, telling me it was time for something new. I spoke to God several times a day, asking for His guidance. I knew I would need a sign or message from Him, but my mind was so full of anxiety, I wasn’t hearing or seeing anything. So, I finally said to God “God, If the job is offered to me at such and such a salary, with such and such benefits then I know this is a clear message from you that I should accept (the salary was far more than they had posted so I felt that this would be a good sign).
Wouldn’t you know, they offered me the job at that very amount with all the benefits and perks I had written down and discussed with God!
My anxiety lifted and I accepted the position and felt incredibly blessed.
The first year was amazing. I learned so much and enjoyed the work I was doing.
Year two was a nightmare. The company wasn’t doing well financially, and everyone was stressed. I dreaded going to work and would often cry at night just thinking of having to show up the next morning. It was a miserable existence, yet, once again, I was too afraid to leave.
I couldn’t understand why God had placed me there knowing how painful the position was going to be.
Just coming into my second year at that company, the layoffs started. The second round of layoffs is when my department was hit, and I found myself without a job for the first time in almost 20 years.
I talked myself right out of hearing His very clear message to me to take the job and blamed myself for making another dreadful mistake. “God would never have wanted me to go through this!” I told myself over and over.
I was stunned, shocked, angry, scared, but mostly…I was overjoyed! Finally free of the stranglehold I felt during the last several months.
I had a small (pathetically small) severance package and decided to take a few weeks off to decompress, relax, and then start my job search.
At the two-week mark, I hit the ground running. I updated and sent out my resume, contacted past colleagues, friends, everyone I had ever met in my industry and lined up interviews. When a month went by and I didn’t have any prospect of a job, I started to panic.
Two, three, four months and nothing. I was coming unraveled at this point. I had never been without the security of a paycheck and insurance since being in recovery, and I was closing in on turning 53!
One morning, I sat in front of my computer looking at job postings, feeling sick to my stomach reading the job descriptions and I suddenly realized that I really did not want to work in the industry I had been in for several years, nor did I want to be in sales any longer. I had been looking for something that was no longer serving me, and the universe was picking up on my negative energy.
Faced with the fact that I needed to shift my perspective, attitude and career choice created even more anxiety. And then it happened.
A conversation between me and my partner Kevin happened which changed everything for me.
It went something like this:
K: “If you had all the money in the world and didn’t need to work, what would you be doing with your days?
D: “I would take on more sponsee’s through the local Jail and Rehab center. I would read the Bible front to back, I would write my memoir and since I have all this money, I would donate to small nonprofits who need a helping hand”
K: “Well, start doing that and everything else will follow”
And boy did it.
Within a year I had several sponsee’s that I work with and have the honor of seeing their lives change. I have read the Bible and grown a thousand time closer to God. I have started my own company, helping nonprofits grow and my memoir was published last month.
In the fellowship of AA and NA we often say, “God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves” and boy is that the truth. If I didn’t accept the new job I wouldn’t have been laid off and forced to take a deep look into my soul to find out what I really want out of life. I would have never taken the leap into my purpose if I wasn’t in a place of discomfort and fear. God is walking ahead of me, guiding me, knowing what I do not, and asking only that I trust Him.
So, when you feel like you have lost your way or God is not hearing you, please remember, nothing happens in our life without a reason. Trust in your Higher Power, even when it’s uncomfortable. We are on this earth to help one another, to show love and compassion to each other, which is exactly what God does for us.